Fork MS

So I had a bit of a scare this weekend. No, I had a big scare this weekend. MS gave me its monthly tip-off that my period was coming with two days of heck. Neither was particularly terrible painwise, to be honest, but in the spirit of every day something new, my swallowing issues were worse than usual. Saturday I was eating tangerines and choking on the juice, and I couldn’t swallow the bread of my dinner sandwich. It was so disconcerting that I was immediately like, well, I am obviously pseudoflaring, and I need to end my work shift, double fist some gabapentin and ibuprofen, and lie down-and I did.

I googled and saw that muscle weakness and muscle spasticity in my throat are the culprits here, and consulted my fellows on MyMSTeam, who all gave their own suggestions, but also were like, you need to tell your doctor. I was like, well, I can push back against this with my daily singing exercises, great, but also sent a message to the neurologist covering mine on mychart, because I’m not a fool. I put my bread in the freezer because, won’t be needing this for a while, and was like, until I get my throat muscles stronger, small bites, soft food, no problem.

But it scared me-because up til now, I have fully understood that this is a disease can and will likely kill me, if indirectly. But this is the first time it actually took a swipe at me. It’s been a vastly uncomfortable nuisance til now, and when my MRIs came back clean, old age looked more and more within reach. I had visions, if hazy, of living to a ripe old age, if on a cane or walker. It’s not that I don’t understand that the complications of MS that take us out–falls, infections we can’t fight off–can’t take us out when we’re younger, it’s just that I’m so careful when it comes to the other two that this caught me off guard, and this complication is truly terrifying. Even if I don’t block my airway, I can breathe food and liquid in and give myself pneumonia, which hello infection I potentially can’t fight off.

So while I certainly hope I have not done things in my life to invite the Three Ghosts, this is one spirit I will be fighting tooth and nail to keep away from my door. I’ll tell you two things-one, I do find it poetic as someone with a degree in opera that I can fight this by singing, and two, I died a little inside (pardon the pun) overcooking my pasta to make it mushy.

But this is some bullshit.